Dealing with miscarriage

It is never easy to cope with deaths. It is difficult when it involves a family member whom you had known since you are born or a close friend whom you have shared a bond with for ages.

But one loss caught me by surprise.

I did not expect that dealing with the death of a stranger would, too, be so griveous.

I had only known this life for a week. This stranger came to my husband and I unexpectedly. It was a pretty awkward introduction between us at first but the relationship quickly blossomed to love. This stranger stayed with us day and night but we had never seen its face. The communication was one sided because this stranger could not talk.

This stranger - this life -  was growing inside me.

The entire week of knowing that I was pregnant was full of excitement. Our marriage only started less than 4 months ago and we were now blessed with a gift of life. Our families were surprised and enthusiastic about the new member. They were so excited that they leaked out this piece of news to some of their friends. I struggled with that "exposure" but I could understand that such joy was hard to contain within.

Such joy was short-lived. It came unexpectedly and it was gone unexpectedly. I began bleeding when I reached the 6th week of pregnancy. It started in the evening and by night time, I had changed at least 2 maxi sanitary pads. I cried that night in my husband's arms, fearing the worst, while he comforted me, persuading me to think optimistic. We prayed and surrendered the situation and our seed of love into God's hands.

The next morning, our doctor confirmed the miscarriage. He said there could be many reasons that could attribute to it but we should not blame ourselves for the loss. I tried.

The bleeding, an every-day reminder of losing my first child, lasted around 12 days. But the agony was not flushed out together.

Some said it was unnecessary for me to grieve because it was "just" an early pregnancy. Maybe. But I guess it was difficult for people to understand the shattered joy and hope of looking forward to carrying my child. It was only for a week but there was already love. The life, was, my first child.

Some did not know what to say to me. But they wanted to comfort me. So the best that they could come up with was, "You better take care of yourself in your second pregnancy since you did not take care in your first". I was already in a sensitive mode and I perceived that statement as "You are responsible for the miscarriage". It stabbed straight into my heart.

My husband, the only one person who could truly mourn with me, was my greatest supporter. He gave me time to grieve and he held me tenderly when I cried in my sleep. He assured me of his love and encouraged me to look upon God. Most importantly, I appreciated his persistency in cautioning me not to fall into depression. His maturity and leadership helped tremendously in dealing with the loss.

A friend of mine, a mother of a then 3-month old, cried with me. Our parents and closest friends visited us without fail.  They brought food, drinks and, what I cherished the most, their love, care and prayers.  

 And the one who brought me back to my feet was God. I believe He holds the key to life and death. His ways are higher than mine so I could not understand why He gave and He took it back. But I did not blame God at all. I believe my God has no evil and that my God is love. I know His plans and purposes are always perfect. He watched and allowed His Son to die on the cross to redeem mankind. Because of such love, I know His grace is sufficient for me.

He taught me several things during this period.

I now learn to love other children unselfishly. The children whom we are tutoring are not just responsibilities, they are the children of our Heavenly Father. I learnt to love them as my own.

I learnt to have a deep longing to raise up my child in the way that he/she should go in the laws of God. Initially, I only wanted a child because my husband wanted a child. I love him, so I wanted to fulfill his desire. Now, it has become my desire too, to love and to train up children with my husband.

I learnt of a deeper assurance in God. He has His time for everything and as His child, I know He will not harm me. I do not call Him God only when things are right. He is still God when things are seemingly wrong in my eyes. Such circumstances would only further reflect His glory. How? By sharing my miscarriage experience with other women who are going through a similar grieving journey. For as much as you have loved your child, our Father in Heaven loves you even more.

So, take heart and love. Knowing that life is fragile and not of our control, let us spend our time wisely on earth. Love God and serve our husbands. That does not mean we should forget about our lost children entirely. I would always treasure the memory of my first child because I have been given the priviledge to "own" this life for a while. 

Then, when I leave this world, I will be able to see my child again, in Heaven.

SY